What does rock bottom look like to you?
For me, it was a sudden realization that I was in a dark place and I wasn’t sure how to get out.
Three months after being told I wasn’t good enough to maintain my manager’s training and then stumbling my way through a half marathon (Barely finishing in the time allotted. omg. One day I’ll write about it), I had a moment of clarity penetrate the deep, hateful and angry fog I didn’t remember falling in to.
I was sullen, easily agitated, and I had a voice in my head telling me that my husband was cheating on me. That voice was so insistent, that a simple discussion about moving to a less expensive apartment, had me believing that he was saying that so that when he left me, I’d be able to afford rent on my own.
I didn’t want to believe it, I had to tell myself that he couldn’t possibly be trying to leave me because we were planning a trip to Disney. Just the two of us.
The voice persisted. I knew it was irrational and I attempted to fight back with rationale. It was exhausting.
I couldn’t run and I ate anything not nailed down.
I’d like to say that I suddenly started eating well, exercising, and now I’m a bright ray of sunshine…
So far, staying away from caffeine is the only thing I’ve stuck with.
And that was the one I thought would be the hardest. I do still eat chocolate but I went from several cups of coffee and other caffeinated drinks a day to virtually nothing.
I had changed my diet to a mostly plant based/vegetarian diet with nothing processed. As it happens with anyone struggling with illness, I started feeling better and then I started slipping.
At the moment, I’m mostly vegetarian with a meal containing meat every now and I began going to the gym again.
The voice isn’t quite so loud but I’m not keeping it to myself either. Hubby can’t read my mind (goodness know how much easier that would be!) and I’d hate for him to think less of me (He hasn’t so far. Fingers crossed!) but I let him know when I’m sliding backwards and he steps up his reassurance game.
It’s a day to day effort.
Today is a good day.